


Fire Emblem: The Crack Houses

by washwindows



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Crack, Gen, Memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 12:23:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20527988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/washwindows/pseuds/washwindows
Summary: Memes, crack stories in episodic forms and other things. May contain spoilers, view at own risk!Please don't take anything in here seriously...





	Fire Emblem: The Crack Houses

**Author's Note:**

> Transcribed a roleplay session with friends.

It was a sunny day in an undisclosed area. Classes had ended and students were streaming out of classrooms. A student was standing below a tree waiting for her friend. Edelgard walked towards her with no emotions on her face.

Edelgard handed the student an orange.

The student takes the orange in her hand. “Thank you Edelgard…” What do I do with it… She thought. Edelgard sighs, “You eat the orange.”

Just as Edelgard finishes her sentence, Dimitri takes the orange. The student looks at him in shock. “MY ORANGE! HEY!!!” Dimitri looks at his new orange intently.

What Dimitri did not know was that the orange was actually poisoned. Edelgard thinks in her head, “Dimitri you fool.”

Dimitri plants the orange in the flower pot he held in his other hand. “Hope you grow well, son… or daughter.” 

Edelgard’s plan failed. She cries. The student consoles her. Edelgard hugs the student. “There there,” the student said. “We’ll get him next time.” Dimitri looks at Edelgard.

“Why are you crying Edgelord.”

“Shut up, rat.” Edelgard growls.

Dimitri walks away with his planted poisoned orange. Edelgard squints at Dimitri. “Rats have no rights.” She walks away.

…

Dimitri is sad. He messages Claude.

D: Yo bro.

C: Ya bro.

D: It’s true bro.

C: What bro.

D: Edelgard really is emo.

C: Damn bro.

D: Ya bro.

End of chat

Dimitri goes for a walk to find fertiliser for his never-gonna-grow orange.

Sylvain comes to him and says hi. Dimitri waves at him without turning back, “Bye Sylvain. Edelgard called me a rat.”

…

Edelgard goes to her room and listens to MCR. Wearing black combat boots, she plots how to murder Dimitri.

Dimitri messages Sylvain this time.

D: “Hello Sylvain.”

S: “Hello… Who is this?”

D: “It’s me, your future leader and next-door neighbour, Dimitri.”

S: “Oh… How can I help you?”

D: “I just wanted to ask if emo and edge is a curable disease?”

S: “Is emo what you caught?”

[Edelgard falls asleep while planning to kill Dimitri. Murder is tiring.]

D: “Well, no. My house members have yet to catch said disease but… It seems that Edelgard is showing symptoms.”

S: “This probably happened because of that MCR music. So how do we cure it?”

D: “Well, that’s what I’m asking… I’m not sure if Claude would know but we can ask… Let’s make sure everyone doesn’t listen to it ever again.”

S: “Let’s go ask Claude!”

End of chat

Sylvain and Dimitri look for Claude. Sylvain shouts in Claude’s direction, “CLAUDE WE NEED YOUR HELP EDELGARD HAS CAUGHT EMO!”

Claude replies, “You mean Edgelord.” He says as he smiles. Dimitri walks to Claude. “That’s true,” he says. “If we say her real name, her edge senses will alert her.”

“Legend says that if you say ‘Wake me up inside’ into a mirror 3 times Edelgard will come out and stab you.” Sylvain jokes. Dimitri looks at Sylvain in a concerned manner.

“Anyways… Guys, how do we solve this? Edgelord’s symptoms have been getting worse lately and it’s affecting my livelihood.” Dimitri says.

Before anyone else could say anything, Sylvain suddenly dies from a heart attack. 

Sylvain died, and it was all part of Edelgard’s plan.

…

Edelgard wakes up and picks up her phone to read Dimiclaude fanfic.

Dimitri senses a dangerous tingle from Edelgard’s quarters. He takes out his laptop and types Dimiclaude fanfic to calm his nerves.

Edelgard leaves a comment on her favourite Dimiclaude fic, “Update now, bottom.”

Dimitri sees the first comment on his fic, from his no.1 reader. “No,” he replied.

Claude side eyes Dimitri and thinks, “I’m in a fic? Oh hot.” He calmly looks to the sky.

“Then perish,” Edelgard replied back on the comment thread. She decides she’s not going to read that fic anymore, and now she’s decided to kill the author. 

She’s sad now because she had an undying passion for Dimitri and the fic was her coping method. 

Edelgard decides to confess her love for the stinky rat.

...

Claude saw that Dimitri was the author of the fic. “Dima y- you wrote a fic about us?? I didn’t know you liked that kind of stuff.” Dimitri looks at him in a confused manner. 

“What are you talking about, Claude? This is my essay, for lecture…” He looks geniunely confused. “I’ve been told this strengthens relationships--”

…

Edelgard leaves her room and takes a glock with her in case she’s rejected. She knocks on Dimitri’s door, “Knock knock motherfucka.”

Dimitri’s words are cut off from the knocking on his door. “Hold on Claude.” He goes to unlock the door. “Oh, uh. Hello Edelgard… How may I help you?”

Edelgard looks at Dimitri with a strong gaze. “We have to talk… Just the two of us.” She looks at Claude angrily.

“Sorry to disappoint but I have no intention of leaving, your Highness.” He says to Edelgard with a wink.

Edelgard squints at Claude dangerously. “Get your stinky ass out of here Claude. Also, I don’t talk to commoners.” Dimitri looks concerned. “Um Edelgard, please be nicer… Claude is my friend.”

Claude looks shocked. “Whoa, relax, future Emperor! If someone here has to be stinky, it ought to be Dima!” Dimitri looks more concerned than before.

“It’s okay, your Princeliness. It was a compliment from me.” Claude winks at the man.

“Then go, peasant,” Edelgard reaches for something behind her. “Or become the dirt I step on.” Claude peeps at her discreet action. “Jeez, Edelgard! I was just teasing you! You can borrow Dima, but not for long.” He says as he stares at her, before leaving the room with a concerned look at Dimitri.

Dimitri tries to send help signals with his eyes to Claude but it seems their newly strengthened bond has not yet reached that stage. “So… Edelgard, what is it that you wanted to speak about?”

Edelgard sighs, “You have to die.”

Meanwhile, Hilda pulls Claude aside as he comes down the hall from Dimitri’s room.

Edelgard starts to load her glock. “I love you and I don’t like feelings, so you gotta go.”

Dimitri looks at Edelgard with his mouth open. “I-I’m sorry what? Edelgard… you… y-you…” His eyes stares at the glock she should not have… Edelgard says in a tough tone, “Bitch, I SAID WHAT I SAID.” 

After a moment, Dimitri looks up to Edelgard. His expression seems a little strange. “That’s okay, Edelgard…

I’m dying from cancer anyways.”

…

Claude decides to put his trust in Dimitri and wait for him instead of eavesdropping. Hilda was eating popcorn next to him. “Bro,” Hilda takes a small handful of popcorn. “You sure you don’t wanna eavesdrop? I wouldn’t judge.”

Claude didn’t notice his best friend was here at first. “Woah Hilda! Just for how long have you been here?”

Hilda answers through a mouthful of popcorn, “Since I saw Edelgard coming out of her room with a glock. What were you doing with Dimitri, hm?”

…

“Ew, is cancer contagious?” Edelgard scrunches her eyebrows. “I don’t know what’s cancer. Don’t lie to me, you’re a Sagittarius.” Dimitri is speechless for a while.

“Edelgard, no… No it isn’t. But if you kill me, I can’t guarantee it.” Dimitri’s eyebrow twitches.

Suddenly, Edelgard looks to the door. “Hilda, you fucking bottom, leave.” She slowly raises her glock to the door. “This is a place for tops only, Hilda.” She turns back to Dimitri and points the gun to him instead.

“No Dimitri, I have emo lord disease. It’s incurable so you have to marry me soon, before it’s too late…” She looks at her gun. “And I have a glock.”

…

Hearing Edelgard’s voice from behind the door, Hilda gives a scandalised gasp. “How dare you? I literally have more top energy in my left twintail than you do in your whole body, bitch!” She stomps her feet while holding her popcorn in her arms securely.

Claude looks at her hopelessly. “I was… just paying a little visit to his dear Princeliness!”

“Shut up Claude!” Edelgard’s voice is heard from the door again.

…

“Oh right, I was actually asking Claude about that. I heard it’s curable, if you went outside mo- Oh. Oh, okay Edelgard. I’m not sure where you got a glock from in this era but… Please. Relax.” Dimitri says with slight uncertainty.

Hilda and Claude enters the room.

Edelgard turns to the uninvited visitors and puts down her glock. “Hilda I know you like me, but I don’t want you, so leave.” She says as she swishes her hair back. “I’m an Empress, so I gotta marry a true noble.”

Claude puts up his hands. “Hey everyone chill out for a second, why don’t we talk this through? Also, Edgelord don’t call my queen a bottom.”

“I’M THE ONLY QUEEN HERE!” Edelgard screams at him.  
“You wish, hoe.” Hilda says nonchalantly.

Edelgard ignores the two and turns to Dimitri. “The only solution for this is marriage.”

Dimitri says weakly, “Hey guys… Can I talk now…”

“Shut up bottom.” Edelgard glares at him.

“Please go on hon- Dima.” Claude encourages Dimitri with a smile. Dimitri side eyes Claude oddly. “Why are you all here? Isn’t this my room…”

…

Sylvain is no longer dead and stands at the door to Dimitri’s room. He can’t open the door, so he kicks it and busts a hole. His leg is stuck in there now.

...

“Anyways Dimitri, you have to die. I don’t like having feelings.” Edelgard casually unlocks her glock. “Kick her ass Dimitri!” Hilda cheers from the sidelines.

“I mean, I don’t mind dying earlier than the expected deadline… And thanks, Hilda.” Dimitri looks emotionlessly at the jumping girl.

The second Sylvain’s leg busted through the door, Edelgard glared at his head that was poking through the gaps. “Sylvain?! I thought I had kille- I mean, I thought you were dead!”

“Sylvain, Claude and Hilda. The boiz are back in town!” Claude cheers.

“I wived, bwitch uwu.” Sylvain proudly proclaims.

Hilda scoffs, “You wived lmao you wish, gay boy.”

...

Dimitri squats at the corner of his room and draws circles on the ground. Because he has cancer, he is dying before he can time skip.

Edelgard turns back to Dimitri. Her neck is getting adequate rotation exercise today. “YES DIMITRI! DIE!! Finally no one is in my way!” She yells as she starts to aim her glock at Dimitri.

Claude narrows his eyes. “Your little game is over Edgelord.” Claude, Hilda and Sylvain disappear into a cloud of smoke to come back as powerful gays.

“I will finally become a ruthless emperor!” She shoots, but misses Dimitri’s head by 10 feet.

“Hand Dima back!” Claude glares toughly at Edelgard. Dimitri stops drawing circles on the ground. “You can’t accept the truth because you think you’re straight!” Claude exclaims.

Edelgard puts down her glock. “Oh my god,” She puts up her arms in exasperation. “I’m bisexual, you buffoon.” Claude straightens his lips, “YOU STILL CAN’T BE AS SEXY AS US- Oh same, so much in common.”

Edelgard cringes, “Gross, don’t compare yourself to me, worm.”

Hilda pinches Claude really hard. “Can you… Not charm the enemy please? I wanna shoot her.” 

Claude jumps at the pain and a drop of sweat drips down his forehead. He looks begrudgingly at Hilda before turning to Edelgard. “I’m not a worm, I’m a deer! And not your food.”

Edelgard: “I don’t care, I don’t talk to peasants.”

Claude: “Well shut the fuck up.”

Edelgard suddenly has an idea, “I will ask Dimitri to go to the prom with me so we can show the world that only true nobles deserve rights.” Claude looks shocked, “Whoa, getting on your horses so fast? I was about to spend the day with Dima before asking him!”

Hilda looks calm. “Wow, didn’t know Edelgard was actually Lorenz.”

Claude asks Hilda, “You means she has a feet fetish?!”

…

As for Dimitri, seeing that Claude and Hilda is handling the situation well, he left early to buy some Emblem Life Insurance.

Dimitri sees Sylvain stuck in his door. “... I thought you died.” He looks at him for a moment. “Do you want to buy insurance with me? We can claim the receipt with Sothis, Sylvain.” Sylvain, with his foot still trapped in Dimitri’s door, responds, “Hell yeah, gotta make sure my ass is insured.”

Dimitri pulls Sylvain out from his door and worries about the repair cost, until he remembered he was dying soon. So he is not worried anymore. He looks back at the trio still in his room.

As if sensing Dimitri’s concern, Claude turns back to him and winks. “Please come back safe, Dima.” Edelgard shoots beside Claude’s foot, “Alright, I’m going to kill y’all and use your bodies for my cult!” She reloads her gun. “I HAVE A GLOCK!”

Claude: “WELL I HAVE A BOW!”

Hilda looks at Edelgard before turning back to Claude, “Well, yeah, probably. Look at her, she’s probably a whole ass dominatrix, and not the nice kind.” Hilda shivers and rubs her goosebumps away. “Ew, you’re right.” Claude and Hilda start judging Edgelord with their new shades on.

Edelgard yells at the both of them, “FIGHT ME COWARDS!” She stands in a strange pose. “I have the powers of god and Naruto on my side!”

Claude: “I think that line belongs to Teach.”

Edelgard: “Teach belongs to me.”

“By the sound of it, everything belongs to you, eh?”

“Yes, you are correct! Finally you’re using your brain!” Edelgard smiles in a menacing manner.

…

Dimitri grab’s Sylvain’s hand. “Don’t worry about the door. I’m dying anyways so it won’t matter. Let’s go and leave the children behind.” Sylvain is dragged along by Dimitri. Curious, he asks, “Where are we headed to, Dimitri?”

Dimitri looks back for a second before brisk walking. “To Sothis’ house. We need some permissions first.” He walks faster because he feels his Claude senses tingling.

…

Hilda turns back and sees Dimitri holding Sylvain’s hand walking away. “Hey Claude, I think your boyfriend is getting away with our partner in crime.” She jabs Claude with her elbow. Claude widens his eyes, “SYLVAIN THAT WAS NOT WHAT WE AGREED ON!” He rushes out of the room.

“Hey I don’t wanna be here with Edelgard alone!! Wait up!” Hilda chases after him.

Edelgard grabs onto Claude’s cape. “NO YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!” She points her gun at him.

“We can’t let Dima die, let’s g-” He is choked slightly by the sudden pull on his cape. He turns back with a shocked face.

Claude: (o0o)

Hilda: “Claude no!”

Claude calms down. “Dima wouldn’t want this to happen, don’t you agree Edel?”

Edelgard: “Pay me taxes or die.”

Claude: “I thought I was but a mere peasant!”

Edelgard sneers at him, “Pig.”

Claude takes offense to Edelgard’s words. He points at her angrily, “Look, I have pride in my house and classmates, so don’t call us pigs!”

Edelgard points her gun at his finger. “I have to get your money… That’s how we nobles live, we steal from the poor!” Claude starts to panic, “Anyone here ready to save a dying beautiful boy?!” He looks at Hilda and tries to send morse codes by blinking his eyes.

“You want money? Take this!” Hilda throws her Gucci shades at Edelgard.

It was super effective.

Claude: “Hilda, you queen!”

Hilda: “Run Claude!”

Edelgard uses Growl. She shoots Claude.

Claude dances the shoot away! “Sorry Emperor, I’m too sexy to die just yet!”

Edelgard aims at his eyes, “Yes, but you’ll be going blind now! Hilda gave me your shades!”

Hilda says under her breath, “Blind in love, maybe.”

Claude rolls his eyes, “Hilda gave you HER shades, you fool!” He seems stuck at an insult. “YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOON!”

Edelgard draws a sign on her forehead with her saliva. “I’m Naruto!”

Claude: “Oh, my apologies.”

…

Getting to Sothis’ house, they see Sothis playing with customised Barbie dolls on the floor. One of the dolls looked suspiciously like Claude. 

Dimitri asks for permission. “Hello M’am. I need money to buy insurance for me and my friend.” Sothis agrees and gives Dimitri a wheel of cheese.

“Just a thanks for living so long.” She says.

Sylvain and Dimitri say thanks and run to the insurance centre. Sensing Claude and Hilda in trouble, he screams at the top of his lungs, “EDELGARD YOU’LL NEVER BE NARUTO!! … Alright Dimitri let’s get to the insurance centre.”

Sylvain and Dimitri reach the insurance centre at the speed of light. Due to time constraint, Dimitri spoke without spacing, “Sirpleaseweneedtobuyinsurance...YesthankyousomuchhereyougoSylvaintakeyourfuckinginsuranceandimdyingsogoodbye.” He runs off to his planted poisoned orange.

As he sits down and gently caresses the pot, a drop of his tear dripped onto the soil. He sees his body fading away, turning into particles thanos-snapped style.

Goodye Dim.

…

Years later, research showed that the group of cancer cells in Dimitri’s body was actually the reincarnation of Thanos, but microscopic form…

What happened to Claude and the others? Will Edelgard ever be cured of her illness? We may never know...


End file.
